Money 1 turned 8 yesterday!
Today she is a happy, relaxed, joyful little girl. And I am so very thankful that she is happy!
Because 2 years ago she wasn't. In fact she was down right miserable and working hard at making everyone around her just as miserable.
She has always been my biggest challenge in life, but also my greatest joy. I love my Monkey with all my heart, being her mommy has made me a better person, no doubt.
As a baby she was pretty happy, as a toddler a tad fussy.
As a two year old..... horrible! We kept on thinking "well they are the terrible two's". Except she never seemed to outgrow the terrible two's. And I started looking for answers when she was 2. Yes at two I was seeking help, advice, anything to give me insight into my daughters behavior.
She would get so angry and frustrated she would bite herself, leaving bruises. She bit her cousin so hard she drew blood! She was angry, alot. At age three! She would always fight me on any issue. For the most I could handle her behavior with time outs and other punishments.
But at 6 things really started to spiral down hill, fast. we had just moved into my parents house, and M 2 had been born by C section, (she had to be in the NICU for a week, and I was in the hospital for five days. )
At first I thought that she was just jealous, and acting up because of it.
But when she started trying to hurt the baby, and physically hurting us I realized that all along there had been an underlying issue. I started looking back over the years and connectingng the dots.
On a really bad day she would come in my room and yell at me to wake up, then after I was up she would refuse to brush her teeth, yelling, screaming, stomping her feet, hitting me..... she could really throw a tantrum. Breakfast would be just as big a struggle. In fact on a bad day she would literally spend three hours or more laying on the floor screaming her head off. It could be over anything, meal time, bath time, school time, not being able to find a toy.
I tried everything!
If I woke up before her she would have a fit "because she wanted to cuddle"
I would plan out our day and tell her how it was going to go, she wouldn't want to have the day go that way.
Giving her a bubble bath, but she would have a fit because then she didn't want to get out.
It didn't matter what we did or said, she would end up on the floor stomping her feet, screaming her head off, crying her heart out.
She was angry, defiant, sulky, a down right brat.
She tried to control everything, she would refuse to get in the tub, and then refuse to get out. She would say she had to go to the bathroom and then refuse to get off the toilet when she heard someone else say they had to go. She was constantly challenging us, trying to pit us against each other. She would smile when hubby and I would start fighting over her behavior. She would lie to us, she would not listen.
She was that child that you see in the store and think,
"Wow does that kid need to be punished"
She was a total and complete BRAT.
There were days that I would sit in my room crying.
She would be throwing a fit, kicking and banging at my door.
I had locked so she could not come in and hit me, she would try to physically block us from entering or leaving a room.
She would get so angry she would grind her teeth as we talked to her.
We were trying to get through to her, trying to help her.
I felt so alone.
I felt so isolated, as if I was locked in a battle with her.
A battle that I was losing, and no one was giving me direction.
I had no idea what I was doing. I felt so lost at times and I wondered what more I could do?
I questioned my abilities as a mom. I questioned my value as a person.
I was shaken to the very core of me.
At night, alone in the shower I would sag against the wall and just cry.
I was devastated, what had happened to my little girl? How was I to help her?
What could I do? What did I do? How could I ever fix this issue?
I was determined that we would weather the storm, that she would be happy again.
I won't deny that there were days that I thought of boarding schools, medications...anything to help us!!
As the bad days kept on coming I realized one thing, this was MY baby, my little girl, and I LOVED her. And together we were going to get past these issues and get her back to feeling like herself.
I was determined that we would win, that she would grow up knowing that despite whatever issues she had to overcome as a kid, she has great value, great potential and an even greater God.
I spent so much time in prayer, some days is was all I could do.
Literally.
It was physically exhausting to deal with her, to try to stay a step ahead of her, to be constantly trying to help her stay calm. I would have my journal and my Bible, and just pray.
I felt so numb, so shocked that this was happening to us. I could not seem to wrap my head around the fact that she was so angry, so full of unhappiness.
We saw several therapists before we found one that really helped.
One thing that bothered me was that I needed someone to really help, and no one really wanted to.
When I said to the therapist, "She hits me, she pulls on me, she threatens me". They never had direct answers. I could have used some help at home, someone to literally step in and show me what to do, how to react to her, what to say.
The therapist the finally helped us was amazing, he helped me to understand so much!
He was patient and listened as I told my deepest fears, of her worst behavior, of the good days, of my highest hopes for her.
I asked questions, I tore into the heart of my marriage, my childhood, hubby's childhood, my parenting abilities. I questioned every single aspect of her behavior.
And he listened, and answered.
He shared stories of other kids, other behavioral issues, he told what what I needed to hear the most....
YES there were answers, YES we would lick this behavior, and YES she would grow up happy and proud of who she was. =)
I learned that it could be Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and ADHD.
After Hubby and I discussed it in depth, prayed and mulled it over we decided to not have her tested.
I was afraid of giving her a label, of thinking that her behavior was excusable, of her using it as an excuse as she got older. We realized on thing, that no matter if she was ODD, ADHD, or just downright stinky, we loved her, always had, always will.
I was angry at first, I didn't sign up for this!
I was bitter to, I wanted my little girl to be happy, to have a normal life.
But then I realized, well if not me, who then?
And what is normal?
I realized that with all that I had going on in my life, God must have some pretty awesome plans ahead for our family.
And so we started working on a better Monkey 1, a happier Monkey.
It was a long road, a roller coaster ride really.
And along the way I realized something, I was not teaching her.
I was guiding her.
She will always have ODD, but it won't always have her.
She is strong willed and stubborn.
So if she has a huge stubborn streak in her, then we need to harness that stubbornness and change it into something better.
My monkey is happy now, she is full of life and she is awesome.
It took two years of patience and hard work.
Two years of her learning hope to cope with life, how to identify her emotions,
how to properly express her feeling.
Today I have her, my Monkey
A beautiful little girl who is 8.
A little girl who knows life is tough, but she is tougher, by far.
A little girl who is loved, and is going to grow up to do great things.
She is still quite the challenge, still stinky, and still stubborn.
She keeps me on my toes.
She is my greatest challenge, and my greatest blessing
But most importantly, she is happy.
~ I love my daughter. ~
